HUMOR

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A couple of drinkin' buddies, who are airplane mechanics, are in the hanger at SFO; it's fogged in and they have nothing to do. One of them says to the other "Man, have you got anything to drink?"
"Nah, but I hear you can drink jet fuel - that'll kinda give you a buzz."
So they do, get smashed and have a beautiful time like only drinkin' buddies can do.

The following morning, one of them wakes up and he knows his head will explode if he gets up. But it doesn't. He gets up and feels good, in fact he feels great - NO hangover!
The phone rings, it's his buddy. The buddy says, "Hey, how do you feel?"
He said, "I feel great!!, and the buddy says, "I feel great too!! You don't have a hangover - we ought to do this more often"
"Yeah, we could, but there's just one thing..."
"What's that?"
"Did you fart yet?"
"What??"
"Did you FART yet??"
"No..."
"Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Phoenix!!"

Flight Attendants Revenge...

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

"We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the airplane."

"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."

Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

And, after landing "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in front of us, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage from the overhead bins. The head attendant announced on the intercom, "This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats
until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be strip-searched as they leave the aircraft.

Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm switching to auto-pilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker "Whoa, big fella...WHOA..!"

"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children."

"As you exit the plane, please make sure to sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

"Last one off the plane must clean it."

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants' fault...it was the asphalt!"

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive.

Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy, which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old Lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no, Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silent, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.

Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at USAirways."

Regardless of what it says in the AIM or Pilot/Controller Glossary, an emergency is in the eye of the beholder. Want proof? A veteran 747 captain recently retired and got checked out in a Cessna 172 for "puddle jumping." After filing a short IFR flight plan over the phone one day, he definitely got the attention of the Flight Service Station specialist when he added, "..and I'd like to declare an emergency at this time." Intrigued, the FSS man dutifully recorded in the "Remarks" section of the flight plan exactly what the old captain had to say: "I'm down to one radio, one VOR receiver,
no de-ice equipment, one flight crew member, and one engine."

During the 70's we trained Vietnamese pilots at the Army's helicopter flight school at Ft. Rucker, AL. We stressed to them that if they ever got air sick, not to throw up in the aircraft. They were told, "Tell your instructor and he will land. If you can't wait, do it in your helmet bag. If you can't get to your helmet bag, do it in your helmet, but DO NOT THROW UP IN THE AIRCRAFT!" During one hot, bumpy afternoon flight, I felt an urgent tap on my shoulder and looked around to see a very green looking VNAF student with one hand over his mouth and the other pointing to the ground. I told him to hold on and in a few seconds we had landed in a nearby clearing. He bolted out the open cargo door, headed for the tree line and let it rip - right into his helmet. Well, he got the important part right.

I was looking through some instrument approach charts last night and came across something that almost made me fall out of my chair. Background: In putting together an instrument approach (a very serious, time-consuming process that takes months of analysis, design, flight testing, and approval), the FAA folks have to assign 5-letter names to the relevant navigational intersections along the approach path. These names need to be at least pronounceable (so controllers and pilots can understand each other when giving clearances and instructions; e.g., "cross WAVON at or above 6,000 feet"), and must be unique in the entire Northern Hemisphere. This allows the various navigational systems like GPS and Loran to hold the entire database of named "waypoints". It is not unusual for the waypoints to have a regional flavor: around Boston, there's BOSOX and CELTS. Some FAA approach designer must have been working late into the night when they designed the GPS 16 approach into Portsmouth, NH (at Pease International Tradeport). The waypoints for this procedure, in the order you fly them, would be entered into your GPS receiver this way...

I'm reading right off the NOAA-certified approach plate from the U.S. Gov't here... (use the long-I pronunciation)...
ITAWT - ITAWA - PUDYE - TTATT (and the missed approach waypoint) - IDEED

Actual Stories Told by Travel Agents...

A woman called to make reservations: "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York." The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent said, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh, don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"

I really did have someone ask for an aisle seat so that their hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.

A client called inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"

I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts. Capetown is in Africa." Her response? Click.

A secretary called in looking for a hotel in Los Angeles. She gave me various names off a list, none of which I could find. I finally had her fax me the list. To my surprise, it was a list of hotels in New Orleans, Louisiana. She thought the LA stood for Los Angeles, and that New Orleans was a suburb of LA.

A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."

I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said, "But they look so close on the map!"

Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a one-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."

A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20 a.m. and got into Chicago at 8:33 a.m.. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!

A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight. Is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" (I was actually laughing), I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him exactly what he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these damn planes have numbers on them."

A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."

A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh, no I don't! I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked, and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times, and every time they have accepted my American Express."

I had someone who wanted to stay at the Bob Newhart Inn in Vermont. When I explained that the inn was fictional, the customer became very irate and insisted, "I know it's real. I see them check in every week!"

You may be a Redneck Pilot if...

Your stall warning plays "Dixie."

Your cross-country flight plan uses flea markets as checkpoints.

You think sectional charts should show trailer parks.

You've ever used moonshine as avgas.

You have mud flaps on your wheel pants.

You think GPS stands for going perfectly straight.

Your toothpick keeps poking your mike.

You constantly confuse Beechcraft with Beechnut.

Just before impact, you are heard saying, "Hey y'all, watch this!"

You have a black airplane with a big #3 on the side.

You've ever just taxied around the airport drinking beer.

You use a Purina feed bag for a windsock.

You fuel your wizzbang 140 from a Mason jar.

You wouldn't be caught dead flyin' a Grumman "Yankee."

You refer to flying in formation as "We got ourselves a convoy!"

There is a sign on the side of your aircraft advertising your septic tank service.

The set of "matching luggage" you take on your long cross-country flights is three grocery sacks from the same Piggly Wiggly!

When you are the owner of Red Neck Airlines and pilot of Redneck One.

You subscribe to The Southern Aviator because of the soft paper!

You (Also) may be a Redneck Pilot if...

You've got a gun rack on the passenger window.
You have more than one roll of duct tape holding your cowling together.
Your preflight includes removing all of the clover, grass, and wheat from your landing gear.
You figure the weight of the mud and manure on your airplane into the CG calculations.
You siphon gas from your tractor to put in your airplane.
You've never landed at an actual airport though you've been flying for years.
You've ground looped after hitting a cow.
You consider anything over 100" AGL to be high altitude flight.
There are parts of your airplane labeled John Deere.
You've never actually seen a sectional but have all of the Texaco road maps for your flying area.
There's exhaust residue on the right side of your aircraft and tobacco stains on the left.

TWO MEMBERS of the Lothian and Borders traffic police were out on the Berwichshire moors with a radar gun recently, happily engaged in apprehending speeding motorists, when their equipment suddenly locked-up completely with an unexpected reading of well over 300 mph. The mystery was explained seconds later as a low flying Harrier hurtled over their heads. The boys in blue, upset at the damage to their radar gun, put in a complaint to the RAF, but were somewhat chastened when the RAF pointed out that the damage might well have been more severe. The Harrier's target-seeker had locked on to the enemy' radar and triggered an automatic retaliatory air-to-surface missile attack. Luckily (?), the Harrier was operating unarmed.

Coming from Europe (The Netherlands) was working for an airline, I sometimes flew with the aircraft to pick up persons unable to sit, so I build up a stretcher for this person. During the flight "punters" are welcome to visit the flight deck. This night flight a lady came up and looked around and was silent for a while and the skipper showed an interest in this lady and asked her if she had any questions.... After minutes she had a question.... You are sitting here in the dark drinking, coffee I hope, and how on earth do you know where you are going?????? The first Officer was very quick to reassure the lady in the following statement. Look to the left out the window and you see a green light? Yes, she said I see it... Now to the right do you see a red light? Yes she said...Well said the first officer as long as we stay in between those lights we will go straight home.

These are alleged to be some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews:

Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."

Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."

Problem #1: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."
Solution #1: "#2 Propeller seepage normal."
Problem #2: "#1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage."

Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."
Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."

Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."

Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Solution: "Evidence removed."

Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."

Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."
Solution: "Live bugs on order."

Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent."
Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."

Problem: "IFF inoperative."
Solution: "IFF always inoperative in OFF mode."

Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."
Solution: That's what they're there for."

Problem: "Number three engine missing."
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get on their way. The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passenger's right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses. At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start revving and the airplane starts moving down the runway. The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance. Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical. Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne. Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we're gonna get killed!"

Twelve Ways to Drive Tower Controllers Up Their Glass Walls...Found on CompuServe's Flight Sim Forum - Source Unknown

1. Equip your airplane with at least one very poor quality radio, which will transmit nothing but squawks and squeals. (It's important to use a good receiver so that you can hear the Controller trying to reach you). The busier the airport the better, because your unintelligible gibberish will block out everyone else, and if you really work at hogging the frequency, the traffic congestion will grow to unbelievable proportions in short order. No fair looking at the Tower cab during all this, since they will no doubt hit you with a flashing white light (return to the ramp) in an effort to unclog the jam-up. When you figure the Controllers have had just about all they can take, switch to your good transmitter and say eagerly, "How do you read this transmitter?" You will be cleared for an immediate takeoff, with the Controller's best wishes for an extended cross-country. . . One way.

2. Make your initial call to a busy Tower ". . . ten miles east" when you're really ten miles west of the airport. The Controller will schedule your entry and pattern sequence from the east so wait until you're no more than two miles out to let him know your true position, and watch him scramble to readjust things. Besides, this will give other pilots some real-world practice at dodging head-on traffic.

3. This is a variation of the call-in-from-the-wrong-direction trick. Pick a very busy day and wait until you're only two miles from the airport to call the Tower. It doesn't matter a whole lot from which direction you approach when you're in this close, and an unexpected entry into a pattern full of airplanes is in itself enough to set off some frantic controlling. There's a reasonable chance that you'll get a landing clearance ahead of everybody else. The Controller may consider that getting you on the ground in short order is the lesser of two evils.

4. Equally effective on the ground or in the air, this little gem requires a specific set of circumstances; namely, when several airplanes are getting ready to taxi, or when you find yourself at the end of a long line of inbounds to a terminal seething with airborne traffic. On the ramp, for example you should wait until at least four or five pilots ahead of you have called "ready to taxi," and each one of them has been patiently briefed by the Ground Controller on the runway, winds and altimeter setting. (Really brown it up by waiting for a day when the Controller is bound by local policy to advice you of "men and machines working both sides of the parallel taxiway, heavy construction equipment crossing the taxiway two thousand feet from the departure end of the runway, taxi on the right side to avoid fresh paint on the Centerline of the taxiway.") Even though you've heard all the good news five times and could repeat it verbatim, don't bother to tell Ground that you "have the numbers"; just call in "ready to taxi," and see if he can do it all over again without losing his cool.

5. Here's one that's a mettle tester for Controllers and fellow aviators. It will work only when you're number one for takeoff at an airport logging an arrival or departure every minute or so. When the Tower advises that you're "cleared for immediate takeoff," go through your before-takeoff checklist once more just to be sure you haven't missed anything, then ever so slowly start moving towards the runway. There aren't many Controllers who will be able to contain themselves, especially if you amble out to the centerline just in time to make the guy on short final go around.

6. Fly out-of-sight patterns. Turn downwind when the airport is just barely visible on the horizon, extend it to the limit of prevailing visibility, don't turn base until fuel exhaustion becomes a possibility and fly the final approach as slowly as possible. This will test the Controller's vision as well as his sense of fair play, for a sneaky one may try to land several other flights ahead of you. When the Tower asks you to extend your pattern so he can get a couple of long suffering departures off the ground, that's the time to cut 'er close. A sure way to find out if the Controller knows that aircraft on final approach have the right of way.

7. After landing at a completely strange airport (the bigger and more complex the better), don't bother to ask Ground Control how to get to where you want to go. Just say "34 Alpha to the ramp" as though you know the airport like the home 'drome, and drive down the nearest taxiway. More than likely you'll soon be involved nose-to-nose with a DC-10 or something equally non-turn-aroundable on a taxiway and then let the Controller unscramble things. A variation of this ploy is to turn onto an active runway, and see if the men in the Tower notice. A great way to find out if they're controlling traffic or playing Chinese Checkers.

8. There are two ideal situations that will get you the most out of this one, and if you set it up correctly, you might even combine them for twice the effect. In the first case, you should be leading a parade of several aircraft down the approach to a long, long runway with one taxiway within a thousand feet or so of the approach end, the other one a mile and a half away at the far end. When you're cleared to land, slow up so that all the people behind you have to S-turn and slow-fly and make 360s, then land on the threshold, roll slowly past the first turnoff and go all the way to the other end at no more than twenty miles per hour. Listen carefully to see if the Controller can handle himself with aplomb as he orders three or four missed approaches. The daily double is yours when there is a gaggle of planes lined up waiting for takeoff. By landing short and rolling long you will also cause them to be delayed, further complicating the Tower's problems. If this game had points, you'd get a bag full for putting these two together.

9. Here's another that may blow a Controllers mind when the pattern is bank-full; wait until you're well established on final approach with two or three behind you, then let the Tower know you've changed your mind, this one will be a full stop. Of course you must have set him up with a long series of touch-and-go's before you drop the bombshell. What the heck - those pilots behind you probably needed some go-around practice anyway.

10. "Tower, 34 Alpha ready for takeoff" when you are number ten in line isn't so bad, but you've only begun; as soon as everybody moves up a notch, call the Tower again and repeat every time the line advances. By the time you get to the head of the class, you may have a Controller tearing his hair.

11. Wait for a true fair-weather day when everybody and his brother are out flying and the airport is the center of attention for a swarm of propeller-driven bees. From ten miles out, call the Tower and identify yourself, making sure to specify your exact position (say "ah-h-h-h" between landmarks while you look over the side to make sure), taking as much time for this transmission as possible. As soon as the Controller has digested all that meaningless information, he'll ask if you're landing at his airport, whereupon you execute the masterstroke by informing him that you are just requesting permission to pass through his Control Zone. You know that Control Zones are of concern only when the airport is reporting less-than-basic-VFR weather, but does he know that? A Controller whose goat is easy to get will ask you to report entering and leaving the 'zone,' which gives you the opportunity to bug him several more times, but most Tower people figure it's less trouble to clear you on through than explain that they don't really care - especially when they find that you're flying at 9500 feet above the ground. Want to drive the botherspike a bit deeper? Call the Tower when you're five miles out whether he asks you to or not; hit him again directly overhead and once more at the five miles point outbound. If you can operate this procedure with Trick No. 1, the unreadable transmitter you'll have done a bang-up job.

12. Last in the even dozen of Tower-teasing tricks is another variation of a theme. When you complete your high pass a-la No. 11, turn around and come back the other way, but at an altitude of 1000 feet AGL. This time you're right down there with 'em, well under the 3000-foot ceiling of the Airport Traffic Area. If at all possible, push the airplane past the legal speed limit of 156 knots (so they won't be able to put the binocs on your registration number as you smoke by the Tower), fly right over the middle of the field (no sweat, you're all of 200 feet above pattern altitude - if any students or Sunday flyers aren't paying attention to their altimeters and get a little high on downwind that's their problem) and of course you're not going to bother the Controller for permission to fly through his back yard. Do keep your receiver on Tower frequency, though; you'll be the subject of an interesting one-way conversation, and you can eavesdrop the frantic warnings to the student on downwind who's followed by a Sunday flyer, and they're both a little high.

Flight Attendant Humor:

Q: What keeps flight attendants from the scum of the earth
A: The flight deck door.

En route to Paris:
The Captain left the PA on and is overheard by the passengers. "So Charles, what are you going to do this PM when we reach Paris?" Charles: "Well, I think I will get me a beer, have a fabulous dinner and then make mad passionate love to that new Flight Attendant. The new flight attendant rushes up to the flight deck but she is intercepted by an elderly lady. "Wait a moment dear, he said he was going to have his dinner first...

A pilot is flying a small, single-engine charter plane with a couple of really important execs on board into Seattle airport. There is fog so thick that visibility is only 10 meters and, to make matters worse, his instruments are out. He circles looking for a landmark and, after an hour or so, he is low on fuel and his passengers are *very* nervous. At last, through a small opening in the fog he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. Circling, the pilot banks and shouts through his open window, "HI, WHERE AM I?"

The solitary office worker replies in a loud voice, "YOU'RE IN AN AIRPLANE."

The pilot executes a swift 275-degree turn and executes a perfect blind landing on the runway five miles away. Just as the plane stops, the engines cough and die from lack of fuel. The stunned passengers ask the pilot how he did it. "Simple," replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct but absolutely useless; therefore, that must be Microsoft's support office and from there, the airport is just 5 miles away on a bearing of 87 degrees!"

En route to Europe, the pilot announces that, due to the severe turbulence, everyone should hold on to the handles on the ceiling. The reason is the bottom of the plane will fall off, but as long as everyone holds on, everything will be all right.. Sure enough, the bottom of the plane falls off and everyone held on to the top of the plane. The pilot then announced that all they needed was a little less weight on the plane and they would all survive. One old man decided that he was old and sick anyway so he decided to let go so the weight-loss will save everybody. Sure enough, he let go and fell to his death -- just to save even else. It was such a touching gesture that, suddenly, everybody started to clap!

TOP 10 SIGNS YOU'RE IN AN UNSAFE AIRPORT...

#10 Parking Lot has sign declaring "NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR CARS DAMAGED BY FALLING AIRCRAFT."

# 9 Machines sell Insurance just for your time in the airport.

# 8 You see a limo driver holding up a sign: AVOWED TERRORIST.

# 7 Mary Jo Buttafucco walks through the metal detector without her bullet setting it off.

# 6 The ground crew is bringing jet fuel to the plane in their cupped hands.

# 5 At Check-in, agent reminds you you're limited to two carry-on explosives.

# 4 Runways have passing lanes.

# 3 As you board plane, gate attendant says "You poor Son of a Bitch!"

# 2 Cheering crowd has gathered in lounge around a pilot doing 10 shots of Stoli in a row.

# 1 Hijackers are allowed to pre-board.

Top 10 Signs You Have a Bad Airline Pilot...
From the September 8, 1993 LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN broadcast

#10 You overhear him say on the intercom "Hey, Pedro, What's this gizmo do?"

#9 For the past two hours, you've been going straight up

#8 He says, "We're cruising at an altitude of 40 feet"

#7 Co-pilot is sitting on his lap

#6 When you take off he yells, "Weeeeeeeeee!"

#5 At some point he announces, "Screw Chicago, Let's go find that Mars observer!"

#4 He's wearing a Domino's Pizza uniform

#3 Over P.A. you hear, "Heh, heh, heh, this plane sucks, heh, heh, heh"

#2 As you get on the plane you recognize the pilot as the same guy who drove your cab to the airport

#1 Keeps referring to the control tower as "Mommy"

A 747 airline pulls up behind a C-5. The 747 calls the C-5 and asks, "What are you guys grossing today?" In a somewhat cocky tone the C-5 crew says, "50 to 100 thousand pounds more than you. What are you guys grossing today?" After a slight pause the 747 comes back and says, "Oh about 50 to 100 thousand dollars more than you!"

A couple of TAC pilots were flying F-4s in escort with a B-52 bomber and were chinning with the pilot of the bomber to pass the time. Talk fell to the subject of the relative merits of their respective aircraft with the fighter pilots holding that their planes made for more interesting flying because of their maneuverability, acceleration and the like. The B-52 pilot replied, "Yeah? Well this old girl can do a few tricks you guys can't even touch." Naturally, he was challenged to demonstrate. "Watch," he told them.

After several minutes the bomber pilot returned to the radio and says, "There! How was that?" Not having seen anything, the fighter pilots said, "What are you talking about?"

The B-52 captain replied, "Well, I went for a little stroll, got a cup of coffee and went downstairs for a chat with the navigator."

Crew to Cabin

Upon landing hard, the pilot gets on the PA system, "Sorry folks for the hard landing. It wasn't the pilot's fault, and it wasn't the plane's fault. It was the asphalt."

"Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain speaking and on behalf of all of us at Alaska Airlines we'd like to thank you for flying with us today. We're beginning our descent into Los Angeles and we'd like to ask you to stow baggage and bring your tables and seatbacks into the upright position." -- pause -- "Oh, and folks, I've been reminded to inform you that as you deplane and walk to the baggage claim area, you may notice tons and tons of mistletoe hanging at the gates of our competitors. Don't be alarmed -- it's just there to remind you that when you fly our competitors you can just plan on kissing your luggage goodbye..."

An airliner takes off from Newark airport, the pilot announces, thanks for flying with us...etc. we'll be cruising at 35,000 ft... Etc. Then, thinking the mike was off, he says to the co-pilot. "I'm going to go take a dump, then I'm gonna nail that new flight attendant." The mike was on, and everyone on-board heard. One of the flight attendants is aghast at hearing this and rushes forward to shut the pilot up. An old lady says to her, "No need to run, Dearie, he has to take a dump first."

Chief FA during briefing: "Folks, we have someone celebrating his 65th birthday today by taking his first flight." {Round of applause follows} "So on your way off at [destination], be sure & stop by the cockpit and wish Capt. Jones a Happy Birthday."

I was on an Ansett flight from Sydney to Perth on which something similar happened. As we approached Perth the usual announcement was made about weather, hire cars, baggage retrieval and we were asked to remain seated after landing while the seatbelt light was on. We landed and soon afterwards everyone stood up and started gathering belongings. As we approached the terminal the intercom crackled into life with the announcement: "You were told to remain seated while the seatbelt light was on. You're all very naughty. Now we're taking you back to Sydney to do it again."

Flight Attendant over PA: "If your carry-on baggage won't fit in the overhead compartments, please ram, cram or jam in under the seat in front of you."

Southwest Airlines FA: [was said in a very low, slow, monotone, by a guy flight attendant]
Pushing the button with the picture of the light bulb turns the light on.
Pushing the button with the picture of the flight attendant [pause] does not turn us on.

Another Southwest FA: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX, to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you have two small children, decide now which you love more. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

Another Southwest FA: "Remain in your seat with your seatbelt fastened and your seatback and tray upright until the airplane comes to a complete stop at the gate and we extinguish the seatbelt sign. There are television cameras in the cabin, so if you get up before we stop, your picture will be transmitted by satellite to Flight Attendant Central, and you will never get another bag of peanuts again."

Coming back from Vegas to Austin on Southwest Airlines, the 737 was for the most part filled with business-type suit and tie guys. We were all getting settled, digging for magazines, pulling out laptops, joking, chatting, etc when the flight attendant announced over the intercom, "Did anyone lose a brown wallet?" All talking and all commotion instantly ceased as hands instinctively went for back pockets and eyes went forward to where she was standing in the cabin, which was now completely silent. She continued, "Now that I have your attention, I'd like to point out the emergency exits located on either side of the aircraft..."

Southwest Captain (on PA explaining a delay): "Sorry, folks, but our landing has been delayed by a mechanical failure. The automatic machine that beats up and loses your luggage is not functioning properly and we'll have to wait for repairs.

United Airlines FA: "Ladies and Gentlemen, as you are all now painfully aware, our Captain has landed in Seattle. From all of us at United Airlines we'd like to thank you for flying with us today and please be very careful as you open the overhead bins as you may be killed by falling luggage that shifted during our so called "touch down."

About 5 or 6 years ago I was on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas on a particularly windy and bumpy day. I could tell during the final that the Captain was really having to fight it, and after an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant come on the PA and announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelt fastened while the Captain taxies what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

There is a story about one of the first female pilots on a commercial airline in Australia. They were flying to Christmas Island in a BA146 and had to refuel at Learmonth. The Captain suggested that the First Officer (the female) take it in. She did. It is a bumpy airfield and her landing was not the best. As they taxied over to the fuel, the Captain picked up the microphone and announced "Ladies and gentlemen I would like you to know that I had nothing to do with that landing. It was entirely handled by the first female pilot with this airline." She was furious, but what could she do. They continued to Christmas Island. There is only one runway on Christmas Island and it undulates somewhat. The island is surrounded by cliffs and when there is a crosswind, there can be a nasty rotor to deal with. This time the captain handled the landing and it was dreadful. As they taxied in, the first officer picked up the microphone and announced, "This is your first officer speaking. I would like you all to know that I had nothing to do with that landing. It was entirely handled by your captain..." She looked round. He was furious - red in the face, almost with steam coming out of his ears. "What the hell did you do that for," he blurted. "Well you did it to me," she replied smugly. "Yes, but I didn't press the microphone button."

Glossary

Airfoil: Reynolds Wrap for manufacturing aircraft wings.
Airspeed: Speed of an airplane. Deduct 25% when listening to a Navy pilot.
Angle of Attack: Pick-up lines that pilots use.
Arresting Gear: A Policeman's equipment.
Bank: The folks who hold the lien on most pilots' cars.
Barrel Roll: Sport enjoyed at squadron picnics, usually after the barrels are empty.
Carburetor Icing: A phenomenon happening to aero club pilots at exactly the same time they run out of gas.
Cone of Confusion: An area about the size of New Jersey located near the final approach beacon at an airport.
Crab: The squadron Ops. Officer.
Dead Reckoning: You reckon correctly, or you are.
Engine Failure: A condition, which occurs when all fuel tanks become filled with air.
Firewall: Section of the aircraft specially designed to let heat and smoke enter the cockpit.
Glide Distance: Half the distance from an airplane to the nearest emergency landing field.
Hydroplane: An airplane designed to land on a wet runway, 20,000 feet long.
IFR: A method of flying by needle and ripcord.
Lean Mixture: Non-alcoholic beer.
Motor: Word used by student pilots and Yankees when referring to the engine.
Nanosecond: Time delay built into the stall warning system.
Parasitic Drag: A pilot who bums a ride back and complains about the service.
Range: Usually about 30 miles beyond the point where all fuel tanks fill with air.
Rich Mixture: What you order at the other guy's promotion party.
Roger: Used when you're not sure what else to say.
Roll: The first design priority for a fully loaded KC-135A.
Service Ceiling: Altitude at which cabin crews can serve drinks.
Spoilers: The Federal Aviation Administration.
Stall: Technique used to explain to the bank why your car payment is late.
Steep Bank: Banks that charge pilots more than 10% interest.
Tactics: What a clock sounds like when it needs fixing.
Tail Wind: Results from eating beans, often causing Oxygen deficiency in the immediate vicinity.
Turn & Bank Indicator: An instrument highly ignored by pilots.
Useful Load: Volumetric capacity of the aircraft, disregarding weight of cargo.
Up: A chant used by pilots taking off from Colorado Springs, who want to discover the meaning of life.
VOR: Radio navigation aid, named after the Vortex effect of pilots trying to home in on it.
Windsocks: Socks that need darning.
Yankee: Any pilot that asks Houston tower to "Say again".
Zero: Style and artistry points earned for a gear-up landing.

Lies

I'm from the FAA and I'm here to help you.
Me? I've never busted minimums.
We will be on time, maybe even early.
Pardon me, ma'am, I seem to have lost my jet keys.
I have no interest in flying for the airlines.
I fixed it right the first time; it must have failed for other reasons.
All that turbulence spoiled my landing.
I'm a member of the mile high club.
I only need glasses for reading.
I broke out right at minimums.
The weather is gonna be all right; it's clearing to VFR.
Don't worry about the weight and balance -- it'll fly.
If we get a little lower I think we'll see the lights.
I'm 22, got 6000 hours, a four-year degree and 3000 hours in a Lear.
We shipped the part yesterday.
I'd love to have a woman co-pilot.
All you have to do is follow the book.
This plane outperforms the book by 20 percent.
We in aviation are overpaid, underworked and well respected.
Oh sure, no problem, I've got over 2000 hours in that aircraft.
I have 5000 hours total time, 3200 are actual instrument.
No need to look that up, I've got it all memorized.
Sure I can fly it -- it has wings, doesn't it?
We'll be home by lunchtime.
Your plane will be ready by 2 o'clock.
I'm always glad to see the FAA.
We fly every day -- we don't need recurrent training.
It just came out of annual -- how could anything be wrong?
I thought YOU took care of that.
I've got the field in sight.
I've got the traffic in sight.
Of course I know where we are.
I'm SURE the gear was down.

Aviator Logic

It's better to be down here wishing you were up there, than to be up there wishing you were down here.

An airplane will probably fly a little bit over gross, but it won't fly without fuel.

Speed is life, altitude is life insurance.

If you're ever faced with a forced landing at night, turn on the landing lights to see the landing area. If you don't like what you see, turn 'em off.

Never let an airplane take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.

Too many pilots are found in the wreckage with their hands around a microphone or holding onto a keyboard. Don't drop the aircraft in order to fly the microphone.

An airplane flies because of a principle discovered by Bernoulli, not Marconi.

Fly it until the last piece stops moving.

No one has ever collided with the sky.

Any attempt to stretch fuel is guaranteed to increase headwinds.

A thunderstorm is nature's way of saying "Up yours."

Keep looking around, there's always something you missed.

Remember, you're always a student in an airplane.

Any pilot who does not at least privately consider himself the best in the business is in the wrong business.

It's best to keep the pointed end going forward as much as possible.

Hovering is for pilots who love to fly, but have no place to go.

The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

A jet fighter in the air is a dual emergency: Low on fuel and on fire.

A single engine jet is a triple emergency.

The only thing worse than a captain who never flew copilot is a copilot who was once a captain.

A terminal forecast is a horoscope with numbers.

Takeoffs are optional. Landings are mandatory.

The first thing every pilot does after making a gear up landing is to put the gear handle down.

A "good" landing is one, which you can walk away from. A great landing is one which lets you use the airplane another time.

A good simulator check ride is like successful surgery on a cadaver.
Good judgment comes from experience. Good experience comes from someone else's bad judgment.

An airplane may disappoint a good pilot, but it won't surprise him.

Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make them all yourself.

Things which do you no good in aviation:

- Altitude above you.
- Runway behind you.
- Fuel in the truck.
- Half a second in history.
- Approach plates in the car.
- The airspeed you don't have.

A smooth touchdown in a simulator is about as exciting as kissing your sibling.

Three things kill young pilots in Alaska: weather, weather and weather.

Fuel is life.

This was actually posted very briefly on the McDonnell Douglas website by an employee there who obviously has a sense of humor. The company, of course, does not have a sense of humor and made the web department take it down immediately.

Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In order to protect your new investment; please take a few moments to fill out the warranty registration card below. Answering the survey questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop new products that best meet your needs and desires.

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THE CARE AND FEEDING OF FLIGHT INSTRUCTORS
BY
DR. WILLIAM A. POWELL

The flight student faces two major problems in learning to fly. One is the airplane--a piece of machinery that can be mastered with perseverance, practice, patience, cool headedness, curses, and an occasional swift kick. The other is the flight instructor--a problem that is not so easily surmounted.

The instructor is a special breed of pilot. He is easily recognizable by his great courage, extreme skill, unbelievable knowledge, low forehead, mean little eyes, and a hungry look. Because he already knows how to fly (fairly well), he already has the student at a complete disadvantage. He is unimpressed with any skills the student may have outside the field of aviation. Therefore, he is dedicated to showing the student how little he knows and, by his own example, how completely unsuitable the student is as pilot material.

Therefore, those who wish to make a success of flying are advised to follow a few common sense rules in dealing with the instructor.

1. CONSIDER THE WAY THE FLIGHT INSTRUCTORS RATE THEIR EFFECTIVENESS. The best instructor is the one that can stomp the floor the hardest, hit the instrument panel the most often, curse the loudest, clinch his fist the tightest, and look the maddest of any man in the country.

2. EARN HIS RESPECT. Best done by saying your father is president of an airline company looking for pilots at a fantastic salary.

3. REWARD HIS EFFORTS. Bribe him with bills of large denominations. He may show you a little about flying.

4. LET HIM KNOW YOUR PROBLEMS. Say you are constantly pursued by beautiful women to whom you would introduce him. Instructors are all girl crazy and you will get extra flight time while he thinks it over. It also keeps his mind off your mistakes.

5. SHOW ADMIRATION FOR HIM. Let him know you are impressed that he can fly even though he had no sleep the previous night and is suffering from an acute hangover. Instructors are egotistical and will mistake this for a compliment.

6. LET HIM KNOW WHO IS BOSS. This is done by keeping your mouth shut, as he already knows who the boss is.

7. NEVER DISOBEY INSTRUCTIONS. When the instructor tells you to go to H..., file a flight plan and take off (with him aboard).

8. BE CHARITABLE. Always buy coffee for your instructor-- he is always broke.

9. INTRODUCE HIM TO YOUR FRIENDS AS THE FAMOUS FLYING PROFESSOR. Later tell them in private what he really is and how he is hindering your flight training.

10. FLATTER HIM. Assume he is an airline pilot moonlighting as an instructor.

11. PRETEND YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND HIM AS HE SPOUTS OFF HIGH brow aeronautical terminology. He thinks that only the elite can understand.

12. SHOW APPRECIATION FOR CHARGING A SMALL RATE FOR LESSONS. He wouldn't be teaching if he could get any other aviation job.

13. MARVEL THAT HIS WIFE PERMITS HIM TO STAY AWAY FROM SO MUCH. Actually, she's out making a living for the family.
14. LET HIM THINK YOU ARE AFRAID OF AIRPLANES. He thinks that only experienced pilots have confidence in airplanes.

15. DO NOT READ THE MATERIAL HE ASSIGNS YOU. He is trying to further confuse you with what other instructors think. (Actually he wants to see that the way he has been teaching you is better than the way they say to do it in the book.) And besides all you want to do is learn to fly the airplane-not read books.

16. DO NOT EMBARRASS HIM BY SHOWING UP ON TIME. He'll always be late and will like it better when you are late.

17. LET HIM KNOW YOUR AMBITIONS. Appear at lessons with hair uncombed, shoes scuffed, and buttons missing from your shirt. Wear a leather jacket with holes in the elbows, and look bored with the whole procedure. He will assume you are interested in becoming a flight instructor and give you special attention.

18. COOPERATE WITH HIM IF HE WANTS TO SPEND MOST OF THE TIME set aside for a lesson in the pilots lounge to discuss some material or maneuvers. This means he goofed and scheduled your lesson at a time when someone else was using the airplane.

19. LET HIM FEEL FREE TO CANCEL ANY LESSON FOR SUCH THINGS AS charter flights and demonstrating an airplane to a prospective customer. (He'll do it anyway)

20. IF HE CANCELS A LESSON BECAUSE OF WEATHER, THIS INDICATES he has gone looking for another job. However, if he cancels because of mechanical trouble with the airplane, this means the mechanic has gone off to find baling wire to keep the exhaust pipe from falling off.

21. ASSUME WIND CONDITIONS ALWAYS CAUSE HIM TO OFF HIS altitude and heading when he is flying the airplane. He can't maintain a constant heading or altitude either.

22. DEMONSTRATE YOUR APTITUDE. Fly with one wing low and skid in turns. Bounce on landings and let him save you from a ground loop. Instructors think students are knuckleheads.

23. DO NOT ASK HIM TO DEMONSTRATE EXACTLY HOW TO EXECUTE A maneuver. He can't do it correctly either.

24. IF HE LETS YOU PRACTICE A MANEUVER AS LONG AS YOU NEED TO really get the feel of it, this means he has gone to sleep--so wake him up. He introduces new maneuvers to you only to mystify you--not for you to learn them with any degree of proficiency.

25. NEVER LET HIM KNOW THAT YOU SIGHT THE AIRPORT BEFORE HE does when returning from the practice area.

26. BEWARE IF HE BEGINS COMPLIMENTING YOUR MANEUVERS. This means he is about to give up on you as a hopeless case and turn you over to one of the more stupid instructors (for they can handle you since they are your kind of folks).

27. DON'T QUESTION HIM AS TO WHEN YOU'LL BE READY TO SOLO OR get your license. He's looking for another student to take your place before he turns you loose.

28. SHOW THE PROPER MENTAL ATTITUDE. Convince him you are a lunatic. Instructors will solo students when convinced there is nothing else to be done, and there are bent on suicide anyway. Louse up enough landings and he'll leave the airplane to save his own skin. You can then teach yourself to fly.

29. DON'T TAKE UNNECESSARY RISKS. Fly solo whenever possible.

30. OBSERVE HIS VARYING MOODS CAREFULLY, NOT THAT HIS MOODS change from bad to good. They are always bad. And they go from bad to worse, to worser, to worsiest as the weeks go by. But take heart, when his mood gets to the worsiest stage that means you are about ready for the private pilot's license.

31. AND WHEN YOU BECOME AN EXPERIENCED PILOT WITH HUNDREDS OF hours of flight time, you'll look back on him through the eyes of reality to see him as he really is. No longer will the fears and biases of the student mind see him as pictured above. Then you'll understand that he was one of the best pilots, greatest teachers, most sympathetic, biggest hearted, and kindest persons you have ever known. You'll think that he was the greatest thing that ever happened since Orville and Wilbur (until you came along).

Top Twenty Ways to Know You Are an Airshow Nut...
By Ryan Keough, webmaster for the 1941 Historic Aircraft Group

20) You named your kids Whitman, Connie, Mitchell, and Hoover...

19) You do "spring training" by sitting in the middle of an asphalt parking lot and watching seagulls through binoculars...

18) You insist your kids wear Oshkosh clothes (b'gosh) because of "tradition"...

17) You buy a season's pass to the B-17 Tour...

16) You ask for your money back after an airline flight to Orlando because
"The Pilot didn't do any aerobatics"...

15) Before you start your charcoal grill, you repeat Roosevelt's "Day of infamy" speech and then make bombing sounds when flipping the burgers over...

14) You come home with a black eye after every airshow because you got in a scuffle with a pilot by bragging that you know more about his plane than he does...

13) You amaze other spectators by knowing the punch lines to the announcer's old, corny and specialized jokes...

12) Your camera costs more than your car...

11) You pay your spouse $6.00 for a soda on a hot day...

10) You bring your own porta-potty...

9) You write a letter to the local Air Traffic Control explaining why you think a 500' AGL Racetrack pattern should be a mandatory maneuver prior to landing...

8) You have a belt pack that has your name and a cute prop embroidered on the front, that is always fully stocked with film and sunscreen, and kept near the door for "emergencies"...

7) The aircraft pins on your hat weigh more than your sofa...

6) You actually considered buying one of those portable bicycles from Sporty's...

5) You visit the chiropractor twice a week for neck strain...

4) You actually try to include the words Lomcevak and Immelman in regular conversation...

3) You ask your kids to pour a mixture of grass and AVGAS in front of a portable fan so you can train for the dangers of propwash...

2) You use airshow programs as coffee table books...

1) For fun, you take the letters in the word "Poberezny" and try to make other words from it....

It's been claimed that the following is from a British Airways pilot's manual. :-)

"There appears to be some confusion over the new pilot role titles. This notice will hopefully clear up any misunderstandings.

The titles P1, P2 and Co-Pilot will now cease to have any meaning, within the BA operations manuals. They are to be replaced by Handling Pilot, Non-handling Pilot, Handling Landing Pilot, Non-Handling Landing Pilot, Handling Non-Landing Pilot, and Non Handling Non-Landing Pilot.

The Landing Pilot is initially the Handling Pilot and will handle the take-off and landing except in role reversal when he is the Non-Handling pilot for taxi Until the Handling Non-Landing Pilot, hands the Handling to the Landing Pilot at eighty knots.

The Non-Landing (Non-Handling, since the Landing Pilot is Handling) Pilot reads the checklist to the Handling Pilot until after the Before Descent Checklist completion, when the Handling Landing Pilot hands the handling to the Non-Handling Non-Landing Pilot who then becomes the Handling Non-Landing Pilot.

The Landing Pilot is the Non-Handling Pilot until the "decision altitude" call, when the Handling Non-Landing Pilot hands the handling to the Non-Handling Landing Pilot, unless the latter calls "go-around", in which case the Handling Non-Landing Pilot, continues Handling and the Non-Handling Landing Pilot continues non-handling until the next call of "land" or "go-around", as appropriate.

In view of the recent confusion over these rules, it was deemed necessary to Restate them clearly."

An airline pilot with poor eyesight had managed to pass his periodic vision exams by memorizing the eye charts beforehand. One year, though, his doctor used a new chart that the pilot had never before seen. The pilot proceeded to recite the old chart and the doctor realized that she'd been hoodwinked.

Well, the pilot proved to be nearly blind as a bat. But the doctor could not contain her curiosity. "How is it that someone with your eyesight can manage to pilot a plane at all? I mean, how for example do you taxi the plane out to the runway?"

"Well," says the pilot, "it's really not very hard. All you have to do is follow the instructions of the ground controller over the radio. And besides, the landmarks have all become quite familiar to me over the years."

"I can understand that," replies the doctor. "But what about the take-off?"

"Again, a simple procedure. I just aim the plane down the runway, go to full throttle, pull back on the stick, and off we go!"

"But once you're aloft?"

"Oh, everything's fully automated these days. The flight computer knows our destination, and all I have to do is hit the autopilot and the plane pretty much flies itself."

"But I still don't see how you land!"

"Oh, that's the easiest part of all. All I do is use the airport's radio beacon to get us on the proper glide path. Then I just throttle down and wait for the co-pilot to yell, 'AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!' pull the nose up, and the plane lands just fine!"

The first announcement started with the familiar, "Ladies and gentlemen, there will be a slight delay. If you would like to stretch your legs in the passenger lounge..." You know the routine. Well, as it happened, Ray Charles was on the aircraft and the Captain asked him if he would like to stretch his legs. He replied "No, thank you, but I would appreciate it if you could take my dog for a short walk." The Captain cheerfully obliged, but they say it took three hours to get the passengers back on the plane after seeing the Captain walk through the passenger lounge with sunglasses and a seeing-eye dog.

After a lengthy delay at the gate while waiting to depart, the Captain finally came on the PA system and announced, "I'm sorry for the delay, but the machine that smashes your baggage and pulls the handles off is broken, so the ground crew is having to do it by hand!"

An FAA Inspector walked into a doctor's office with a frog on his head.

The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

And the frog said, "Take this wart off my butt."

The Pilot's Prayer
Oh controller, who sits in tower
Hallowed be thy sector.
Thy traffic come, thy instructions be done
On the ground as they are in the air.
Give us this day our radar vectors,
And forgive us our TCA incursions (*)
As we forgive those who cut us off on final.
And lead us not into adverse weather,
But deliver us our clearances.

On a small commuter flight one sunny day, the captain was told his passengers were nervous about being on a "small airplane." He decided to take action: "Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain. I have been informed that some of you are nervous about being on a 'little' plane. Well, let me assure you, there is nothing to worry about, just sit back and take it easy. It might be helpful to do some sight seeing to put your mind at ease. Now, if you'll all lean and look out over the right wing of the airplane.... It'll tip over! Hahahahaha!! Just a little pilot humor..."

This comes from a top-secret recording describing what happened at a soviet cockpit during approach to JFK at IFR conditions:

Captain: "500 ft. low visibility, runway seems to be short. Co-pilot, lower flaps to 30 degrees..."
Co-Pilot: "Flaps down at 30.. Check."
Captain: "300 ft, low visibility, runway looks very short... Co-pilot, lower to 45 degrees !!!"
Co-Pilot: "Flaps down at 45...check."
Captain: "100 ft !!! Runway very short !!! "Co-pilot, lower flaps to emergency - 90 degrees down !!!
Co-Pilot: "Flaps down to 90 degrees ready to land...check." Aircraft lands and breaks immediately...
Captain: "*wipes off the sweets and sighs*... "Ohh they make the runways so short in the west...."
Co-pilot: "Yes...*points out the window*...but they are so wide..."

The Top 15 Advertising Slogans for Delta Air Lines:

Delta: We're Amtrak with wings.
Join our frequent near-miss program.
Ask about our out-of-court settlements.
Noisy engines? We'll turn 'em off!
Complimentary champagne in free-fall.
Enjoy the in-flight movie in the plane next to you.
The kids will love our inflatable slides.
You think it's so easy, get your own damm plane!
Delta: Our pilots are terminally ill and have nothing to lose.
Delta: We might be landing on your street!
Delta: Terrorists are afraid to fly with us.
Bring a bathing suit.
So that's what these buttons do!
Delta: A real man lands where he wants to.
Delta: We never make the same mistake three times.

Landing: A controlled mid-air collision with a planet.

If God had meant man to fly, He would have given him more money.

The male pilot is a poor, confused soul who talks about women when he's in an airplane...and talks about airplanes when he is with a woman."

While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered and Mr. Benson looked out the window. "Good lord!" he screamed, "one of the engines just blew up!" Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side. The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn't maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanor seemed made most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants. Each crewmember attached the package to their backs. "Say," spoke up an alert passenger, "aren't those parachutes?" The pilot said they were. The passenger went on, "But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?" "There isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. "We're going to get help."

Ladies and gentlemen, This is your captain speaking. We welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic. If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off. If you look down towards the Atlantic Ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you. That's me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a recorded message.

A farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost. "$10 for 3 Minutes, " replied the pilot. "That's too much," said the farmer. The pilot thought for a second and then said, "I'll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make a sound, you'll have to pay $10". The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride. After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, "I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man." "Maybe so," said the farmer, "But I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out."

Ten things you don't want to hear over the intercom on a 'plane

1. "The union president called - he said the pilots' strike starts IMMEDIATELY."

1. "We'll just ask the flight attendant to wake us up when we get there."
1. "My name is Forrest Gump - people call me Forrest Gump."
1. "Hey, Jim, do you remember where we're going?"
1. "Buckle your seat belt - I'm going to try something I saw in a cartoon."
1. "Bye, bye, Miss American Pie..."
1. "Wow, we're sure a lot lighter now that we dropped that second engine!"
1. "Only 500 more flight hours, and I'll get my license!"
1. "They say this plane practically flies itself. Good thing, huh?"
1. "TODAY WE DIE FOR ALLAH!"

After finally getting through the line and reaching the airline ticket counter, a woman passenger promptly informed the ticket agent, "I want to go to Miami but I want my luggage to go to Cleveland." The ticket agent replied, "I'm sorry madam, but we can't do that!" "Why not? You did it last week!

The night flight from Washington, D.C. was routine until the plane landed in Indianapolis. While taxiing in from the runway, the plane suddenly came to a halt, still a considerable distance from the terminal. After sitting on the taxiway for several minutes, still waiting for the plane to move again, many passengers began to get restless. Old pro that he was, the captain changed tension to amusement by announcing, "Ladies and gentlemen, I flew this multi-million-dollar aircraft all the way from D.C. to Indianapolis...at night...and I found the airport on my very first try! Unfortunately, I have to wait until a guy with a couple of 99-cent flashlights shows me where to park it."

Overheard by a guy giving rides: "Sorry about the rough landing, but I'm practicing for a job at SAS. Next time I'll try to loose your luggage."

The Difference between Airplanes and Women:

An airplane will kill you quick . . .a woman takes her time.
Airplanes like to do it inverted.
Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch.
An airplane does not get mad if you 'touch and go.'
An airplane does not object to a preflight inspection.
Airplanes come with manuals.
Airplanes have strict weight and balance limits.
You can fly an airplane any time of the month.
Airplanes don't have parents.
Airplanes don't whine unless something is really wrong.
Airplanes don't care about how many other airplanes you have flown.
When flying, you and your airplane both arrive at the same time.
Airplanes don't mind if you look at other airplanes, or if you buy airplane magazines.
If your airplane is too loose, you can tighten it.
It's always OK to use tie downs on your airplane.

Hangar Talk: On the lighter side: Flying Jokes

A Southwest Airlines captain was helping a new blonde flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up to ask what happened to her. She answered the phone, crying, and said, "I can't get out of the room!" "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked. "Why not?" She replied, "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do not disturb'!"

On a flight to New York the flight attendant said to a lady sitting in first class, "Mame, I'm afraid you'll have to sit in the back since you have a coach ticket." The lady responded, "Listen, I'm a beautiful blonde, I'm going to NY, and I'm sitting in first class." The two argued for a while but finally the flight attendant went and got the first officer - who came and said, "Mame, I'm afraid you'll have to move into the coach section since you have a coach ticket". To which she replied, "Listen, sir, I'm a beautiful blonde, I'm going to NY, and I'm sitting in first class." After they argued for a while the first officer gave up and went to get the Captain who said, "I'll handle this.
I'm married to a beautiful blonde." So - the Captain went right up to her, whispered in her ear, after which she got right up and moved into the coach section.

Both the flight attendant and first officer were shocked and asked the Captain - "I don't get it sir. What did you say to make her move back to coach." To which the Captain said, "Oh that was easy, I just told her first class wasn't going to NY!"

What's the difference between God and pilots? God doesn't think he's a pilot.

Then there's the pilot who dies and goes to heaven; while waiting to check in he notices a large twin coming in high-and-hot to a nearby landing strip. The twin pilot blows the landing--collapses the nose gear and strikes the props; he gets out of the plane and walks away. Fifteen minutes later, same scene: another twin, another blown landing--same guy gets out of the wrecked plane.
The fellow waiting to check in to heaven is amazed, he turns to St. Peter and says "what's the story with the twin pilot over there?" "Oh, that's just God" says St. Peter, "he thinks he's a surgeon."

If God had meant man to fly, He would have given him more money.